Prince Phillip the Pedophile
by obsessive-elphaba
Summary: You know, Phillip was twenty-one when he made sixteen year old Briar Rose fall in love with him? What does that say? Probably my worst fic yet, but alas


PRINCE PHILLIP THE PEDOPHILE!

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Prince Phillip, son of King Hubert and the deceased Queen Huberta, was an odd child. He was five when his fiancee was born. A five year old to marry a baby. YUCK! At least that's what he thought... He was a teenager before you knew it, and many girls offered themselves to him to be his wife. Everyday he'd think of that dumb old baby girl - Princess Aurora - that he would marry as soon as she returned to the castle. One girl practically raped him, but you know... he kinda enjoyed the experience. Typical man, right? Of course, this was when he was around eighteen, and it was a pretty cool freshman year.

By the time he was twenty-one, he had learned all the ways to get a girl in bed. Uh-huh, Prince Phillip was a player. Though at this point it didn't matter; he was a grown-up now and could do whatever he wanted! One day his father called upon him, "Phillip!"

"Yes, Father?" he responded respectively.

King Hubert and his large self plopped onto the throne with a grand sigh of pleasure. "In but a day you are to marry Princess Aurora!"

Phillip had an insane flashback...

* * *

_"Yuck! I don't want to say hello to some dumb old baby girl!" Young Phillip was disgusted! It was an ugly creature, really. Where had she even come from?_

__

His father blushed embarrassedly at this comment and mumbled, "Um... he's very shy..." Prince Phillip peeked back at the creature in the bassinet.

The queen, Stephanie, smiled down at him then back to his father, "I understand. It's not everyday you get to meet your future bride!"

"Bride?" Phillip widened his eyes so much; he could've sworn they popped out of his skull!

_"That's right! One day the princess and you will be married. Now what do you say? You want to give the baby a kiss?" The queen pinched at his cheeks._

_

* * *

_

Phillip had not wanted to give the baby a kiss, and from what he knew: she could've grown up ugly! He was enjoying his simple life of the bachelor Prince Charming and did NOT want to give that up! "Marry? As in marriage?" he asked, blinking at his father.

"Yup!" the great King Hubert smiled jollily. As if it were the greatest thing in the world, and Phillip supposed his father would be happy if he married the princess. King Hubert was really close to King Stefan... and his wife...

The prince needed time to think through his options: be forever in a free life or... make his father happy. King Hubert had lost his own love through childbirth, yet he raised him without holding any such grudge. Even though Phillip knew his father missed his deceased queen dreadfully, the jolly king hadn't given the slightest hint of it! "Oh, isn't this great, Philly!"

"Erm... I need a moment..." Phillip raised off on his horse and into the woods. The meadow was such a relaxing place to be in decision-making stressful times, but something else distracted him from his thoughts.

He had found the one thing that made him decide he would be a bachelor forever: smoking hot teenage butt. That was the view he was getting of a hot blonde that was singing to the animals in the woods. He heard her tell some sort of tale of some mystery dream prince, and get what: he was a dream prince!

As soon as her song came to an end, he leapt out to win her over; she saw him and gasped. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to frighten you!" he said comfortingly, grabbing her hand.

She blushed and looked away, "Oh you didn't..." she mumbled, "it's just... you're a stranger."

"No I'm not; we've met before," the prince lied easily.

"We have?"

"You said it yourself," he paused to remember the terms she had used, "once upon a dream, and since we're such good friends, may I have this dance with you?" The prince extended the hand that was not already holding hers. The blonde blushed shyly and took it hesitantly. He danced with her and watched her eyes the entire time. By the end of the short dance, he knew he had won her over.

"Oh!" she exclaimed, "I have to go!"

"Wait! When will I see you again?" he asked expectantly.

The girl shook her head furiously, "Oh, never! Never!"

Phillip's face fell at this, "Never?"

"Well," She mumbled quietly, "maybe someday..."

"Tomorrow?"

"No! Tonight!" The blonde nodded after a while, "Tonight! In the old woodcutter's cottage!" She rushed away, "Goodbye!"

Leaping in the air, knowing things would be much more fun that night he exclaimed, "Tonight it is!"

* * *

"Crap..."

That was the very first thing that came to mind when the three fairies told him his one night standee was actually the girl he was running from in the first place. Turns out Phillip and blondie weren't such strangers; the blondie was the little baby Aurora. It was her sixteenth birthday, and apparently some sorceress cursed her to die on this day. Even if she wasn't the long lost princess, the prince still wouldn't have been able to hit her up anyway.

Life sucks sometimes, he thought as he leaned over the "ugly baby" and pecked her on the lips. It wasn't the same even if she was still hot. Could that girl that he had just pretended to have met actually consider him her true love? Really?

The prince acted as if he were too happy to speak as the girl's family and friends exclaimed their happiness. Finally his dad ended tearfully, "There's nothing like a happy ending."

_You can say that again, pops..._

_

* * *

I had the most epic Sleeping Beauty rehearsal ever, and dude did young Prince Phillip agree with the points I gave xD Kinda ruins the classic doesn't it? This is based on a few lines from the script - some of the dialogue, but I made up the general idea. This is probably my worst fic yet! I spent so little time on it! Well, review if you wish!_


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